Who Swaps At Swap Meets?
By Pete LaBarbera

Swap meets; how I love 'em! But why do they call them "swap" meets? Nobody swaps anything. Okay, so maybe you do trade cash for parts, but if that's swapping, then I go to a swap meet at Safeway every Tuesday.

I never could understand just what it is that makes you and me get out of bed on a day off and drive a couple of hours to get to a place that has absolutely nothing we really need. Is it that mythical "deal" you've been chasing all these years? You know the one: Four American five-spokes for a hundred bucks! A cherry fender for 50 dollars! A dropped axle for 20 bills! It's the deal that everybody else seems to get, but always eludes you and me.

The worst thing you can do is miss a swap meet. It's like not buying your weekly Lotto ticket — the one that surely would've been the winner. The swap meet you missed was certainly the one loaded with great bargains.

Ever get up way too early in the morning to go to an event, only to find it's raining? Even if it's a real downpour, you find yourself rushing to drive through a monsoon to go look for that, uh, well — wait a minute. You don't actually need anything, remember? But you gotta go, and quick, because it's raining! Since nobody else would be so foolish to be out in this mess, there's a pretty good chance that you'll get that bargain, right? After all, bargains don't seek you out; you must search them out.

It's the vendors with whom I sympathize. They haul that stuff out there to display, chancing bad weather and poor attendance. Ever look at a part and wonder how many trips it's made? Some of those pieces have been to as many meets as you and me. Then vendors have to deal with fools like me. It's a hard way to make a buck. On the other hand, I've seen vendors who are trying to peddle things that even I would throw away. Is there really a market for a rusty, dented, broken tail-light housing? Maybe that poor guy is just looking for an excuse to get out of the house. He can't really be serious about that stuff he's displaying. (Wanna bet? Look at the price; he's serious!)

I have no sympathy, however, for vendors of such hot, desirable merchandise as sunglasses, cassette tapes, vintage clothing, oak furniture, Harley stuff, dolls, etc. Hey, gimme a break; we're hot-rod guys! I've got to wonder about some of the wives and girlfriends trudging through the aisles. You've seen the ones with that numb, bewildered look on their faces. You know what's going through their minds: "What am I doing here? What is he doing here? What are all of them doing here?" Good question, ma'am. Anybody got an answer?

I suspect that some of you go to swap meets just to show off that really cool red wagon you're pulling. It's got better paint than most of the cars out in the parking lot, and much nicer chrome. Seems almost a shame to load it up with some rusty, dented, broken tail-light housing. I've been to Hershey, Carlisle, Daytona, Pomona, Pasadena, Turlock. It's my opinion that it doesn't mater how big or small an event might be; you can find some super deals at even the smallest gathering. What's a good swap meet, anyway? Is it one where you find some much-needed item that you've been chasing for years? Is it a meet that has lots and lots of vendors? Is it that meet at which you don't buy anything, but have fun looking? What gets my vote is an abundance of PortaPotties. My gawd, it gets downright painful at times!

Eventually you do return home, dry off and wind down. You examine and fondle that new treasure you've finally acquired; the one thing you'd never dream of selling, let alone swapping.

Only one HRN3 reader was able to correctly identify 53310761 as Elvis Presley's Army serial number: Charles Everett of Bridgewater, N.J., received a T-shirt for his winning entry.(Pete's obviously been pumping iron since his previous appearance.)

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